* WARNING* THIS POST IS ME FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, PLEASE DON'T READ IT :)
I'm feeling a little bad for myself today, and I decided that since I kinda use this as my journal, it'd be okay if I wallow for a little bit...Lately Ive been trying to outrun the pain I've been experiencing the past few months. I've bombarded myself with entertaining friends and family, parties, Disneyland, photography, baby showers...lets just say I've been staying busy. I woke up today and I don't have anything to do (cleaning my messy house doesn't count) Everything kinda hit me then. My family is moving soon :( I don't see Eric as much as I'd like :( I'm not pregnant...That last one is really the hole in my heart right now. I've been surrounded by pregnant women lately, and sadly when a friend or family member announces that they're pregnant, my initial feeling is jealousy and lots of pain. I feel so selfish and like I'm a bad person, but there it is. I've been doing a bit of photography stuff lately and while organizing my files yesterday I came across this picture.
I still have that shirt...I don't know why, but it's hanging in Alaura's closet.
This whole thing has been such a roller coaster for me. Let me explain...I went in for my Dr appt obviously on a high because I was pregnant... when I initially found out i had a miscarriage I was at the Dr by myself in the ultrasound room (the Dr couldn't find a heartbeat) the tech was so sweet as she explained that there wasn't a heartbeat...then Eric came and i told him (down)...the Dr came in and explained that it was a molar pregnancy and that it could be very dangerous and that I needed to get a D&C right away...I remember coming to after the procedure and feeling like something was missing...I couldn't pick alaura up for a few days because My bleeding wasn't letting up and the Dr didn't want me to hemorrhage...my Dr went away because his mom had a heart attack, while he was gone I got called by the Dr covering for him and he told me that I'd have to wait for a year before I could get pregnant again (this was when I hit my lowest)...My Dr called me to tell me how well I was doing (up)...At my next appointment he told us we could get pregnant in 3 months(Up!)... I got blood work done every week, my hcg #'s were going down very quickly(UP!)...then they stopped going down so quickly (down)...My health ins dropped me and I now had to go in for regular Dr appts ad weekly blood work out of pocket(Down!)...at an appt about 2 months after my D&C my dr told me it might take a little longer than 3 months (down)...my levels still weren't going down very quickly, I watched them go down soooo slowly and wondered if something was wrong, was it coming back? would it start attacking my lungs? would I have to go on chemo?...at 3 month after, my Dr told me I had to go on the pill because he didn't know how long this would take and I absolutely could not get pregnant (down down down)I took those pills and was reminded everyday that I couldn't get pregnant...finally a couple days after Christmas my levels were at 0!!!!(UP)...we had to wait three months to start trying...finally march came and I got off the pill...I missed my period!!!(up)...and got a negative test...(down)...my period still didn't start and I felt pregnant(up)...negative again(down)...finally almost two weeks late I started my period...so here I am waiting and wondering if it's going to be a long time...
There, I already feel a little bit better:)
I am VERY baby hungry though, Don't get me wrong I love Alaura and I'm fully enjoying her and documenting as much of it as i can. But I want more kids...I know, I know "your time will come" right? I know it will come, but I've been waiting for it to come for 8 months plus the 3 I thought I was pregnant...I'm getting tired of waiting. I'm sorry to anyone reading this who can't get pregnant and have been trying longer than me, My heart goes out to you, but I'm still ready and I'm tired of waiting. Well, I'll stop having a pitty party now. I'll post the pics from camie's shower later...
7 comments:
Sometimes things we have to face are difficult I know and waiting can seem so long. We hope and pray things will happen soon. We love you!!
What you're feeling is perfectly natural. We're women. It's part of us to want to mother children. I know how you feel in a way. It took me a while to get pregnant with Zachary and Jacob. I remember the pain and jealousy I felt when everyone around me was announcing. We are trying for another one. Seeing all those pregnant women last night made me want another one even more, but if not, I have 3, so I can't complain. The Lord knows the prayers of your heart.
It's okay to vent your own feelings and problems sometimes. Expresing yourself and your feelings and emotions helps you deal with them. If you ever need to talk I'm here for ya.
One more comment. I learned in counseling 3 years ago how important it is to get your feelings out. My counselor told me to write everything I was feeling down in a book or journal. This is the best thing you can do. Keep it coming if need be.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I can think of few things that would be more painful than not being able to have babies, and even having to wonder about it at all is hard. You sound like you are doing a good job of trying to focus on the positive things in your life, and if you can just keep doing that and stay close to the spirit you'll get through this rough time. Love you.
Brooke, Why don't things happen right now...when we want them to???...through my own humbeling experiance;it is b/c it is not my time frame that is important or the big picture, it is Heavenly Father's time frame. He knows what is best for us more than we "think" we know. Sometimes are desires and emotions can cloud our trust and faith in Him. By all means vent hunny, go for it, shout at the top of your longs, just like Lisa Miller said it is great and important to do that.But as you go day to day your strength to get from one day to the next, is through your faith in Heavenly Father and the Savior. The Lord would not put you through any experican if He thought that you could not handle it. You are a strong daughter of God and you are a great mother and He knows that, and He wants to bless you with his children. We don't really know what are future holds, their could be some down the road years from now reason on why Alaura's bro./sis. was born later then you planned...it sounds off the wall, but ya just never know. Your family and friends are here for you as always. We love you. Keep being strong and look for that strength through your trust in the Father and His son. For they love and know you personally. My prayers are with you always. Though the days may pass as if they were weeks,soon they will be a blink in time as you hold your new daughter or son.
Keep your head up....things will get better!!!
Post a Comment