On a personal note...

* WARNING* THIS POST IS ME FEELING BAD FOR MYSELF. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, PLEASE DON'T READ IT :)

I'm feeling a little bad for myself today, and I decided that since I kinda use this as my journal, it'd be okay if I wallow for a little bit...Lately Ive been trying to outrun the pain I've been experiencing the past few months. I've bombarded myself with entertaining friends and family, parties, Disneyland, photography, baby showers...lets just say I've been staying busy. I woke up today and I don't have anything to do (cleaning my messy house doesn't count) Everything kinda hit me then. My family is moving soon :( I don't see Eric as much as I'd like :( I'm not pregnant...That last one is really the hole in my heart right now. I've been surrounded by pregnant women lately, and sadly when a friend or family member announces that they're pregnant, my initial feeling is jealousy and lots of pain. I feel so selfish and like I'm a bad person, but there it is. I've been doing a bit of photography stuff lately and while organizing my files yesterday I came across this picture.

I still have that shirt...I don't know why, but it's hanging in Alaura's closet.

This whole thing has been such a roller coaster for me. Let me explain...I went in for my Dr appt obviously on a high because I was pregnant... when I initially found out i had a miscarriage I was at the Dr by myself in the ultrasound room (the Dr couldn't find a heartbeat) the tech was so sweet as she explained that there wasn't a heartbeat...then Eric came and i told him (down)...the Dr came in and explained that it was a molar pregnancy and that it could be very dangerous and that I needed to get a D&C right away...I remember coming to after the procedure and feeling like something was missing...I couldn't pick alaura up for a few days because My bleeding wasn't letting up and the Dr didn't want me to hemorrhage...my Dr went away because his mom had a heart attack, while he was gone I got called by the Dr covering for him and he told me that I'd have to wait for a year before I could get pregnant again (this was when I hit my lowest)...My Dr called me to tell me how well I was doing (up)...At my next appointment he told us we could get pregnant in 3 months(Up!)... I got blood work done every week, my hcg #'s were going down very quickly(UP!)...then they stopped going down so quickly (down)...My health ins dropped me and I now had to go in for regular Dr appts ad weekly blood work out of pocket(Down!)...at an appt about 2 months after my D&C my dr told me it might take a little longer than 3 months (down)...my levels still weren't going down very quickly, I watched them go down soooo slowly and wondered if something was wrong, was it coming back? would it start attacking my lungs? would I have to go on chemo?...at 3 month after, my Dr told me I had to go on the pill because he didn't know how long this would take and I absolutely could not get pregnant (down down down)I took those pills and was reminded everyday that I couldn't get pregnant...finally a couple days after Christmas my levels were at 0!!!!(UP)...we had to wait three months to start trying...finally march came and I got off the pill...I missed my period!!!(up)...and got a negative test...(down)...my period still didn't start and I felt pregnant(up)...negative again(down)...finally almost two weeks late I started my period...so here I am waiting and wondering if it's going to be a long time...

There, I already feel a little bit better:)

I am VERY baby hungry though, Don't get me wrong I love Alaura and I'm fully enjoying her and documenting as much of it as i can. But I want more kids...I know, I know "your time will come" right? I know it will come, but I've been waiting for it to come for 8 months plus the 3 I thought I was pregnant...I'm getting tired of waiting. I'm sorry to anyone reading this who can't get pregnant and have been trying longer than me, My heart goes out to you, but I'm still ready and I'm tired of waiting. Well, I'll stop having a pitty party now. I'll post the pics from camie's shower later...

Disneyland (a loooong post)

We left on Sunday Morning and stopped in Santa Clarita to visit some friends of ours, (one of Eric's Mission Companions and his wife and son). It was really nice to see them!!!

We checked into Embassy Suites around 7:00.

We ate dinner and played in the jacuzzi for a while, then went to our suite to try and get alaura to sleep in her "big girl couch bed" (the pull out) She took a little while to calm down, but she fell asleep and only woke up once!!!

Here she is in the morning, Doesn't she look excited to go to Disneyland?!

Our hotel included an awesome breakfast buffet with made to order omelets. Lets just say that we ate our fill. The hotel had a shuttle that went from the hotel to Disneyland for $3 per adult for the day!!! Such a steal!!! We got to Disneyland and went straight for the thing Alaura's been talking about for the past month...THE PRINCESSES!!!!!

We hit a few rides...here are Eric and Alaura on Alaura's favorite ride

THE TEA CUPS!!!!!

we went on the carousel

Don't you just love the "Squishy face"?

We hit quite a few rides, She hated the Pinocchio ride and wasn't to fond of the Nemo ride. She did ok on the Matterhorn...Around 2:30 we decided to head back to the hotel for a nap We saw Snow white on our way out and had to go get her autograph!!!

We got back to the Park at 6:00 and hit some more rides

We stayed until closing (10:00) and Eric and alaura went on the tea cups a few more times

Here they are in line

We went on the dumbo ride. Alaura loved making it go up and down

We got back late and went to bed as soon as we could. Alaura woke us up at 7:00 the next morning and we packed up ate breakfast and headed back to Disneyland. This time we hit California Adventures first.

Going into the Monsters Inc ride

Here we are in the Playhouse Disney show. They had the Mickey mouse clubhouse, Handy Manny, My friends tigger and pooh and Alaura's favorite, THE LITTLE EINSTEINS!!! It was a really fun interactive show with singing ,dancing. bubbles...Alaura loved it!!

Here are a couple random pics in California adventures

Alaura was excited to sit on the "A for Alaura"

We went back to finish the day in Disneyland

Fun in Toontown!!!

Aren't they strong?

Did I mention that alaura LOVED the tea cups?

I don't know if you can see it, but there's a duck sitting in the water under the Dumbo ride...later it fell asleep there while the ride went on just overhead!!!

Here we are on Dumbo!!!

Alaura found Pooh's honey

Here are a few pictures of the parade of dreams

Alaura loved the princesses!!!

We hit a few more rides (the tikki room, pirates of the Caribbean, the haunted mansion...)

But this is how the night ended at 8:00

She did a great job with her potty breaks and we all had so much fun. I can't wait to go back again!!!